I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
