if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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