walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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