if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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