I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
