I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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