why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
