Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
