What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
