I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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