is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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