seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
my poor anus
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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