The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
