Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
