I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
