I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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