my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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