K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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