there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
