I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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