Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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