Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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