What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
