Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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