Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize