When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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