I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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