i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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