Redeem this text for a blowjob
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
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