The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Randomize
