just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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