They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
