My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
