come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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