I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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