the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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