I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
