If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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