Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
