I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
