RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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