I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
