Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
