just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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