i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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