McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize