i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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