can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
