she told me i tasted like america
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
