just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
