im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize