I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
