You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
