So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
