I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
