I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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