the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
