As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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